If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave?
For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. An abused womans' emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. If your friend has been financially dependent on her partner and leaves with the children, she may face severe economic hardship. She may not know about available resources. Perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past. Religious, cultural or family pressures may make your friend believe it is her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs.

Doesn't my friend care about what's happening to her children?
Your friend is probably doing her best to protect the children from the violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her and does not yet realise it's effect on the children. Perhaps she believes that her children need two parents, or lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may beg to stay, not wanting to leave their home or their friends. Your friend may fear that if she leaves she will lose custody of her children.

I know my friend's partner - I really don't think he could hurt anyone.
Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They can be charming and lovable in a social situation, yet display extreme violence in the privacy of the home.

He must be sick.
Violence is a learned behaviour, not a mental illness. The abuser's experiences as a child and the message he gets from society in general, tell him that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over his partner's behaviour. People who use violence are accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as "sick" wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their behaviour.

I think my friend's partner has a drinking problem. Could that be the cause of the violence?
Although alcohol or drug use may intensify an already existing violent behaviour, it does not cause it. People who abuse typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress. Domestic violence, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it.

How can my friend still care for someone who abuses her?
Chances are, her partner is not always abusive. The abuser may actually show remorse for his violence, promising that he will change. Your friend understandably hopes for such change. Their relationship probably involves a cycle of good times, bad-times and in-between times. However, the longer the violent relationship continues, the less likely there will be any good times at all.

Lately my friend has been distant. I don't know if we're still friends.
The abuser senses that the fewer relationships his partner has, the more easily he can control her. He may be extremely jealous of any relationships his partner has outside the home. An abused woman may distance herself from friends fearing that they will discover the violence and blame her for it.

If my friend wanted my help, she would ask for it.
Your friend may not yet feel comfortable confiding in others, feeling that they will not understand her situation. Try talking to her about the problem of domestic violence in a general way. For example, you might mention a documentary or talk show about domestic violence that you've seen. Tell your friend you are concerned about people who must endure abuse in relationships. Let your friend know you do not blame victims for the violence.